he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
