I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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