TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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