watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
