I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
