Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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