I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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