Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
