every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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