I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
