I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No subtext here. People are naked.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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