i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
