areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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