Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
