so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
