I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
