i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
