My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love you. Go after that dick
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
