My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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