i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
