I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize