I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
