I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
vagina is talking i cant
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Im part way to drunk.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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