I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
