fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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