i just snorted my name. best moment ever
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Maybe he injected his testicle?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
