The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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