Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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