We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
