I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
