Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
