the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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