this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
