need another drink. this is the easiest way
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize