Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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