Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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