Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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