Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
