Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
