I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm experimenting with sincerity
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
