I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
