Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Randomize
