I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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