Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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