i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You ruined the universe
Randomize
