before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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