and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
