He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
