what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
