whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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