I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize