You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
