your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i will never coherently bang her
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
