I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
