It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
