Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
bring money and cleavage
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
