Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
