I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
