Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
