no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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