what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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