i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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