Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
